Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes Launches Podcast Attribution Provider; Ben Shapiro Destroys The Internet...

The Classifieds

A Podcast for Gereheads

The brand new show from Stitcher, An Officer and A Gentleman has everyone’s favorite naval aviator, Richard Gere as he navigates the treacherous waters of love, life, and motorcycle riding. This show will be dynamically inserted only.

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Red Table Talk Podcast with a Twist

Will & Jada Pinkett Smith launch this new audio version of their already-in-market show with iHeart Media and Facebook. The new show is a cross between Last Comic Standing and WWE SmackDown. On Red Table Talk With a Twist, up-and-coming comics make improvisational jokes about Jada and she decides if Will needs to bitch-slap them, which will be commanded by, “the look”.

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In Case You Missed It

Ira Glass Storms Off Set of The Media Roundtable Podcast

On the most recent intended episode of the Media Roundtable, a very perturbed Ira Glass lost his cool. Upon realizing our set table was actually a square, and not round as advertised, Ira flipped over the set ranting, “Ye hath made this audio house a den of thieves!” and then marched out the room. Seconds later, the veteran Podcaster returned with his tie wrapped around his forehead and delivered a flying crane kick to the center of the object, splitting the Media Roundtable in two.

Ben Shapiro Destroys All Podcast Players

Apple, Spotify, and all known platforms carrying podcasts removed all advanced speed settings for any portion of the Ben Shapiro Show beyond real-time. All slowing speed settings will remain intact for users, for obvious reasons. Apple engineer Herb Schmertz shared the following confession with The Influencer Staff, “We killed the setting for Apple and then all the rest of the market just followed suit. We had no choice. Every time someone would try to make that kid talk faster, the whole system just up and quit! We had power outages for 60 miles.” Sources reveal that top engineering talent investigated the matter, issuing a report which concluded that even one instance of a user playing Ben Shapiro’s voice in any context beyond 1:1 speed setting levels, “could suddenly and permanently destroy the entirety of the internet and many web3 applications.”

Theranos Founder Elizabeth Holmes Launches Podcast Attribution Startup

TheraPod, the new podcast attribution company founded by Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes is set to take flight in early Q3. Holmes has been in seclusion throughout the pandemic, busy at work, devising a proprietary algorithm so that all paid advertising can show crystal clear impression and performance data across tens of thousands of shows. It also has a “Turbo” button that allows advertisers to acquire new customers without running any ads at all. Upon hearing the news, Spotify purchased TheraPod for $100M.

Headline: Deezer Overtakes Spotify

According to Edison Research’s most recent Share of Ear report, music streaming service Deezer overtook Spotify in the weeks after picking up exclusive rights to Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, Stewart Lee, and Nils Lofgren. In a show of solidarity, citizens around the globe banded together in a sustained protest against misinformation claims around the Joe Rogan podcast and rekindled their love of tunes from this band of citizen activists. Upon hearing the news, Spotify immediately purchased Deezer for $100M.

Apple Unveils New Corded Earbuds

After multiple fiscal quarters of lagging iPod sales, Apple CEO Tim Cook unveiled his latest game-changer, the CordPod. At a recent launch event, Cook took the stage and unfurled his sustained innovation prowess and an Obi Wan-esque hand wave, “These corded headphones are cool. You will all purchase them now.” Base model sets are available at a starting price of $650, and include a new feature, “iPricing”, where Apple charges listeners per usage hour, with rates determined by the amount of smoke billowing above the corporation’s Cupertino headquarters.

Spotify Buys Kim Kardashian

The Landmark $10B deal was brokered by the American Socialite’s Mother, Kris Jenner, with streaming giant Spotify to own Kardashian with worldwide distribution and licensing rights, in perpetuity. As an added value, Pete Davidson was included in the deal for $1, well below rate card. Not to be outdone, Kanye sold himself to audio conglomerate, SXM for $10B and two dollars. Spotify CEO Daniel Ek released the following statement, “We couldn’t be more thrilled to add this cultural icon to our roster, and proud to stay in line with our vision. We believe in a future where technology platforms increasingly own humans, which can then be tokenized and traded on the lucrative NFT market. We expect to close many similar deals in the coming weeks and months. The Influencer will keep you apprised.

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